Lessons to be learned
It’s rather ironic that I recently recommended a book called Crucibles of Leadership. The book sounded interesting as it is centered around creating a Personal Learning Strategy to take advantage of particularly stressful life experiences. The author calls these experiences crucibles, and his premise is we all have enough crucibles to provide the basis for a lifetime of learning. I looked for the book recently at my neighborhood B&N, but they didn’t stock it. I ordered it and just picked it up a day or so ago.
What’s ironic about the book is that I just went through several days of a very intense personal situation. It would definitely count as a crucible. I’m not sure what I would have learned from it had I already read this book, but I did have some personal observations.
The Truth shall set you free…
If you’re in the midst of a crucible, it’s not time to hold back on the “facts and figures”. These crucibles are big, hairy, potentially life-changing events. You don’t want to come out the other end of one thinking you downplayed that issue, or didn’t really accurately portray some other. As they say in sports, make sure you leave it all on the field.
…but Honesty shall give you wings
To me, there is definitely a difference between truth and honesty. Whereas truth is the facts and figures, yes and no, black and white of things, honesty is the gray areas in between and the emotions under the surface. It doesn’t make sense to say it this way, but it’s the “real truth”.
Sometimes people say someone didn’t tell them the truth because they didn’t tell them something that was important to them. In my world, that isn’t an issue of truth. Since they didn’t say anything, there’s nothing to evaluate as true or false. But I would say they weren’t honest.
I think Honesty is one of the things that separate the men from the boys, the players from the wannabes, and those truly committed to personal development and those not. Whether your crucible is work-related, part of your personal life, or something else, total honesty can be hard to give. People’s feelings might be at stake. My job might be at stake. My feelings might be at stake.
Now there is an argument that goes something like: “True honesty, without regard for other people’s feelings or situations, is the height of selfishness, putting one’s own needs ahead of all else.” There may be some truth in that, and each of us has to evaluate how and when we might be ”too honest”. But you should also look at the other side of that equation and work out the consequences of holding back. Are you merely perpetuating a bad situation for everyone involved? Isn’t a little short-term discomfort worth long term happiness?
Laser Insights
It doesn’t happen all the time, but often toward the end of a crucible event, one of the parties involved may make a seeming innocuous comment that, relative to the event you just went through, doesn’t seem to fit.
Those, my friend, are true laser-focused insights. That little tidbit of information, seemingly inconsequential, was something that person wasn’t able or wasn’t comfortable saying during the entire event, and now that things are being resolved it comes out.
I’ve seen this a couple times, and saw it in the situation I just went through. You can’t attach too much importance to these comments, but I think they give you true insight into issues that might have been a bit too “honest” for the other person to share directly.
You can’t please all of the people all of the time
Yes, this is trite, but it bears repeating. You are not going to go through life pleasing everyone unless you are no one.
There’s an old management maxim that goes something like “If you aren’t pissing off a couple people here and there, you aren’t doing your job”. Obviously, that can be taken to the extreme, but there is a solid kernel of wisdom in there.
Republican vs. Democrats, vegetarians vs. omnivores, paper vs. plastic, there are always going to be differences in the world. It’s a fact of life. The more we personally develop ourselves, the more we commit to being excellent, the higher our standards become, the more the odds for conflict with people we come in contact with.
The problem is that for many people, the initial reaction is to internalize that friction. “It must be my fault”. I’m speaking from experience as this is one of my issues I am working on. It’s not your fault. It’s not even their fault. It’s just what is. Accept who you are as fundamentally good, with all your opportunities for improvement, and go from there. In conflicts with others - work on the conflicting issues, not who is at fault. That is a no-win game.
There is no instruction manual for Life
Sadly, there is no where to turn for the right answer. There is also no rule book. There will be doubts. There will be second-guessing. Here is where you have to have faith. Not necessarily religious or spiritual faith, although that is great comfort for many. Rather, you have to have faith in yourself and faith in your position. I think it’s that simple.
Those are some off the cuff thoughts from my own experience over the last few days. All rather basic I know, but sometimes the simple answer is the best one.
If anyone is out there I’d love to hear your thoughts on dealing with and learning from life crucibles.
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One thing that struck me is your instruction manual comment. As a mother of three daughters I often told my oldest when she complained about not being able to do something that someday I may let her sisters do, “The good news is your are the first born, the bad news is your are the first born. You did not come with an instruction manual and I have not done this before so, yes I am learning to be a parent with you. I am not perfect.