Dealing with Defeat
Christmas of 2009, a friend of mine gave me the book Born To Run. The book is about a secluded tribe of Indians living in the Mexican Copper Canyon. Isolated and independent, a large part of their culture revolves around running – extremely long distance running to be specific. If you are a runner, you will love this book. If not, it is still a fascinating read and brings plenty to the table on the topics of personal excellence, perseverance and competition combined with fellowship.
Well, I am a runner and this book inspired me like few others have throughout my life. After reading it, I immediately set a personal goal to run an ultra-marathon within two years. 2010 I focused on rapidly increasing my weekly running miles. In retrospect, I know now I greatly over-trained, but was lucky enough to escape the year with only a couple minor injuries.
2011 then became the target year to accomplish my goal. My first try was in late March, running the Green Jewel 50K. (An “ultra-marathon” is defined as any race longer than a marathon. A 50K race, at just over 31 miles, is the introductory ultra length). I was in fantastic physical shape, having trained especially hard over the winter. I failed to finish that event, dropping at mile 20. At the time, I blamed it on back problems, but the fact is while I was prepared physically, I wasn’t prepared mentally.
Training throughout the Spring/Summer then became a mix of continuing to develop my physical foundation, while specifically exercising my mental and spiritual discipline.
I took another “run” at my goal in September at the Youngstown Ultra Trail Classic, another 50K run on the gorgeous trails of Mill Creek Park just outside Youngstown, Ohio. I was nervous but excited about the event – while I didn’t feel I was quite as physically prepared as I was in March, I knew I was much tougher mentally and spiritually. I told my friends “even if I have to crawl over the finish line bloody and broken, I will finish this race.”
Alas, it was not to be. While I made it to mile 24 this race, muscle spasms forced me to largely walk, not run, from mile 19 on. At the mile 24 aid station, the start/finish area, I decided while I could walk the last seven miles, that wasn’t what I considered finishing.
I have one more shot before the end of the year to accomplish my goal, and whatever that event brings, I’ve learned a lot over the past two years on this quest: about myself, about limits, and with my first two unsuccessful attempts, at dealing with defeat. After a few weeks of reflection after the latest effort, this post sums up some of my thoughts on how to deal with defeat.
It may be trite, but one way to deal with defeat is to ask yourself if you learned anything. That last handful of miles spent walking provided plenty of time for reflection, and I do feel I came away from this second ultra attempt with a couple important lessons learned.
Lessons Learned
To live only for some future goal is shallow. It’s the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top. ― Robert M. Pirsig
It’s the journey, stupid…
The training I’ve undergone and the sacrifices I’ve made over the past couple of years were all focused on, and internally justified by, the pursuit of this one goal. Well, nothing like pain and defeat to put things in perspective. When you are limping along with one foot in a constant toe cramp and the opposite leg threatening to return to spasm at every step, “why the hell am I doing this?” is a fair question. If finishing a race is all you have to answer that question, it can be pretty hard to keep moving forward. My answers to that question don’t matter here, everyone has to come up with their own answers, but suffice it to say that I had a number of revelations out on the trail that day that had nothing to do with checking a goal off a list.
Uncovering my real goal
I also learned, or at least got closer to, my real goal. My journey started with telling myself I wanted to finish an ultra-marathon. When I dropped out of the race at mile 24, I only had 7 or so miles to go. While I had enough mental and spiritual reserves to push forward, physically I knew I would be walking those seven miles, not running them. What I found out is that wasn’t how I wanted to finish. Virtually no one runs an entire ultra event, but I didn’t want the satisfaction of my original goal to come after walking a third+ of the event. This of course also meant that in that moment, I was willing to risk failure in order to finish the way I wanted.
Justifications or not, pulling out of the race still meant it felt like a defeat. Okay, let’s not mince words – it was a defeat. In the week or two following the race, I found a number of strategies that helped me integrate the disappointment and move on.
How I dealt with this (second) defeat
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit. — Aristotle
Let it flow, let it go
Defeat is many things, but it is always disappointing. Depending on what you had invested in the activity or goal, a defeat can mean anything from a minor setback to a devastating emotional crisis. I think many of us have a tendency to not completely acknowledge the impact the defeat had on us. Right from the start I think it’s important to articulate this impact, whether to your partner, a trusted friend, or simply to yourself. Nothing good grows in damp, dark spaces; don’t relegate your disappointment there.
While giving voice to your defeat helps with the intellectual acceptance, it does little for the emotional. For me, nothing helps here like simply giving in. Let your emotions flow. Throw that towel, wallow in that self pity. People will say that nothing good comes from such actions, but from my perspective, the outcomes are even worse keeping those emotions bottled up inside. Two guiding principles help here. First – do nothing that would harm others or yourself. Second – whatever you do, allow yourself to do it completely, but after a day or two, it’s done. Putting a limit on these emotional mini-tantrums really helps me allow myself to get rid of everything.
Call it what it is – A Defeat
I also think it’s important to call a defeat a defeat. No mincing words here; you set yourself a goal, you gave it a try and you didn’t succeed. To call the effort anything else limits your further development in two significant ways:
- First, not acknowledging your defeat is lying to yourself. “Let it flow, let it go” allowed us to empty our psyches of all that negative baggage and not feel bad about it. Lying about the defeat is counterproductive and only serves to let that baggage back in.
- Second, if you can’t or won’t acknowledge your defeat, most likely you are also making excuses for why your effort fell short or why is wasn’t really a defeat. Until you can accept and proclaim your defeat, you will never be able to understand what limited you. It is only with this understanding that you can overcome and move forward.
Celebrate
It may sound a bit counter-intuitive, but a celebration may be in order. Grand aspirational goals go down in flames in spectacular fashion. Celebrate the effort; celebrate the failure. There is nothing like a celebration to hit the restart button and refresh you mentally and spiritually. After this latest unsuccessful ultra attempt, and after I “let it flow”, I treated myself to a decadent steak dinner with the unhealthiest chipotle cheddar mac & cheese (but most delicious) you’ve ever seen. Go ahead – you deserve it.
Schedule a confirmation
Unfortunately, a common side effect of defeat is to make us question our abilities. More to the point a defeat can make us wonder if we really have what it takes to get where we want to be. If you are “running on the edge” – pushing boundaries and aiming high, then it may be time to re-affirm how far you have come. Schedule something that is still a challenge, but with a high probability of success.
For me, I registered at the last minute for a trail marathon a couple weeks after this defeat. For all my talk and training for ultras, I had never officially run a marathon and at just five short miles shy of the 50K I had just attempted, it is not an insignificant challenge. Add in that I would be running this marathon on just two weeks rest and I didn’t interrupt my training to taper for it, and I knew it would be a good test for me. I’m happy to say I was able to finish the marathon. It wasn’t fast, and it certainly wasn’t pretty, but it was confirmation that my latest defeat didn’t define me.
What about you?
So there are four ways I personally deal with defeat, along with some lessons learned along the way. While my context is that of a physical pursuit, these lessons certainly extend to our personal and professional lives and experiences as well.
Certainly there are lots of ways to deal with defeat and I’m interested in hearing yours as well. What has defeat taught you? How have you dealt with it and stayed on your path? I look forward to hearing from all of you.
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