5 steps to sustained personal change
I’ve been using this concept of a “crucible” or intense life event as a backdrop lately for some of my posts. Today, I’d like to talk a little about something that has been an element of my current crucible, and what I have learned from it.
The topic is change, specifically personal change. Even more specifically, addressing the question of not simply how to change, but whether we can change, especially aspects of ourselves that are part of “who we are” and we would consider central to our personality makeup.
I’m not sure I can answer any of those questions yet. Change is a complex, complicated process and my experiences over the last year have shown me that while fundamental personal change is possible, it’s making the change permanent that is the real challenge.
In this post I’ll talk about the 5 steps I identified as essential to any attempt at sustained personal change. I’ll end the post with a few quick thoughts I’ve taken away recently from my “crucible”.
Willingness
It sounds like we’re venturing into 12 step country here, but the first step in any change is the willingness to make the change. Just as “you have to admit you have a problem before you can fix it”, you also have to be willing to make a change.
Willingness to change is the bridge between recognizing something is an issue and attempting to change it. Without a conscious willingness to want to make the change, any efforts will see at best, temporary success.
Desire
Desire is much different that willingness. Whereas willingness simply gets us started on the journey of change by affirming the change is something we are okay making, desire says we want to make the change. Think of it as the classic head versus the heart model. Willingness is the intellectual part of the process, desire is the emotional.
Desire is an interesting word in that it is both a noun and a verb. So not only does desire fill the role of helping us make our decision to change (as a verb), it also provides us with the fuel to support this difficult process (the noun).
Ability
Obviously, I have to be able to make the change. I may be willing to make a change and have all the desire in the world to see it through, but if I’m not simply able to make the change my efforts are a failure before they even start.
On the topic of personal change, ability means looking deep within yourself and being brutally honest as to what you are and are not able to do. This one can be tricky. If you’re like me, I’ve always maintained that anyone is able to do anything they want do. That’s a great sentiment, but we all know life is much more subtle than that.
Whether it’s moving into a new role at work, changing personality habits for your spouse, or adapting to social situations, an honest assessment of your true abilities is a key step in making and sustaining meaningful personal change.
Focus
Okay, you’re willing to make a change, you desire the outcome, and you have the ability to move into the change. How do I actually make the change?
Obviously, this is subject matter that has filled entire sections of bookstores and there is no way to give serious attention to such a topic within one short blog post.
For me, it has always distilled down into Focus. Once I’ve decided to make a change, then you have to make that change a priority and a constant focus in your life. I studied martial arts quite extensively during one period of my life, and anytime we were trying to learn a new technique our instructor was fond of saying “Your energy flows where your attention goes.”
The decision to make change requires willingness, desire and ability. For me, implementing change comes down to focus. I think about the change when I get up, I evaluate my progress daily, and making the change is the last thing I think about before I go to bed. This is where your desire will be tested.
Commitment
Assuming you are successful in making your change, be aware that it doesn’t stop there. In fact, I would say you’ve only done the easy part. This is about sustained personal change, and that little part about sustaining the change is, I think, the really hard step.
Without commitment to the change, your hard won success will fade with time. Old habits die hard as they say. Just as desire was the heart behind making your change, commitment is the foundation upon which you need to build the new you.
Some parting thoughts
- The great thing about making a change is that it can be done as quickly as you want. The challenge in sustaining a change is it slips away one vitually unnoticeable regression at a time.
- Our ability to effect sustained personal change is not nearly as easy or as fast as any of us think.
- Accepting the basis for change is sometimes harder than making the change itself. Answer these questions: “If I make this change, am I still me? If not, will I be able to sustain the change? If so, will I still like the person I’ve become?”
- Sometimes, even harder than change is accepting the consequences of not wanting to make the change.
That’s my thoughts from my past couple weeks. Anyone had any different revelations?
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